


Never Enough

by Woollycas



Series: Season 15 codas [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, Episode: s15e01 Back and to the Future, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, spn 15x01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-14 21:21:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21022448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woollycas/pseuds/Woollycas
Summary: Dean and Cas have a tiny moment together after the events of 15x01.





	Never Enough

It was later. The dark had settled outside, and the motel room they had found for the night was quiet. Sam had left with Belphegor to find food for the brothers, leaving Cas and Dean alone. They hadn’t spoken since Dean had asked how Cas was earlier —since Dean had walked away from him, still angry. 

They’re in their respective corners of the motel room. Cas watches Dean rifle through his duffel for the tenth time, moving his extra shirts from one pile to another, over and over again. He watches his shoulders, tense, and his motions, deliberate and dismissive. He wonders why Dean lets him stay, but knows deep down that he does because Cas is a useful tool. 

“I guess I’m only dead to you when my life isn’t in danger.” 

Cas’s words cut through the air like a knife. He doesn’t look up from the motel magazine he is browsing, but can feel Dean still. 

“Don’t.”

“What?”

“Just —don’t.” There’s a pleading edge to his response. 

The silence consumes the room again. Dean stands at his bed, staring at his bag, his back still to Cas. He doesn’t touch his things again. Cas can hear his breathing pattern, slow and purposefully even. Cas knows that Dean is a tinderbox, ready to explode at any moment. Part of him wants to ignite the inevitable firestorm. Part of him wants to hold him, smother the fire before it starts. He does neither for now, and just watches Dean move from the bed to the kitchenette. Dean pours himself a glass of water and drinks, long and slow. Cas watches Dean’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallows the water down. Cas watches him set the glass down, his eyes seemingly focused on nothing. 

“It’s just too much, man.” 

Cas is startled by Dean’s words. It’s more than he expects. It’s barely anything. He knows what Dean means though. 

Mary. Jack. Chuck. Where to begin? 

Cas knows that Dean still holds him responsible for Mary’s death. He holds himself responsible for Mary’s death. 

“Dean, I’m sorry.” 

“I know.”

Cas gets up then and walks over to Dean. Dean’s back is to him again, facing the counter in the kitchenette. Cas doesn’t hesitate and wraps his arms around Dean. He holds him tight for a second before he starts to feel Dean pull away. He has a moment of panic that he’s pushed too far — he’s asked for too much. Dean just turns into the hug though, wrapping his arms around Cas, pulling him tight. He rests his chin on Cas’s shoulder. 

They stay like that for a while. Cas doesn’t want to say or do anything to disturb this safe, little bubble. He feels how solid Dean is in his arms. He wants to pull him closer, absorb his fears, his anger —his grief. He can only hug him, hold him, comfort him. It’s too little. 

It’s never enough. _He’s_ never enough. 

“I’m still mad at you.”

“I know.”

He takes it. He’ll always take it. He deserves it. He’s done too many bad things in this world not to accept the anger and resentment of others —especially Dean. Always Dean. He’d do anything to help Dean. 

He’d do anything _for_ Dean.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

Cas’s breath hitches. His palms, flat against Dean’s back, rub up and down a beat. They’re still holding each other, touchstones in the miasma of their swirling minds. 

“Dean.” He pulls him closer, seemingly impossible. 

He steels himself then, and pulls Dean away from him. His hands grip Dean’s shoulders. He looks into his sad, green eyes. He sees a lifetime of sorrow. He wants to pull him close again —never let him go. 

“I thought I could make it right. I thought I could fix things. I …it’s my job to make things right for you and Sam.”

Dean rolls his eyes at that. He huffs and brings his hands to cradle Cas’s shoulders. 

“Your job? Your job is to be by our side. Your job is to be by _my_ side.”

He says those last words quieter, like he’s embarrassed for Cas to hear them. 

Cas does hear him though, and stares, not sure how to proceed. He brings his hand up to Dean’s face, cradling his jaw, feeling the stubble there. His thumb moves across his cheek slightly. 

They stare at each other. 

“I am by you side, and I’ll always be there for you, Dean.” He pauses. He wants to say more. He knows he shouldn’t. He decides to anyway. “You always comes first to me, Dean. But Jack —he, he’s my —our son. He mattered more. I would have done anything to help him. I should have done more. He was my responsibility and I failed him. I failed Mary. I failed…you.” 

Dean takes a big breath and pulls Cas into a tight hug. 

“I’m mad at you. I’m mad at…this. I don’t know what to do.” 

Cas gets it then. He’ll let Dean feel how he feels. He’ll let him be angry. He’ll let him be grieve and take that grief out on him. Cas isn’t going to stop trying to save the world. He isn’t going to stop trying to help the Winchesters. Mary is gone. Jack is…gone. Now that Chuck has walked away from the table, they’re never going to get them back. He doesn’t know how to help Dean, but he does know that he’ll always be there for him. He pulls Dean closer. 

They stay like that for a long while. Their bodies lined up close. Their arms tight around each other. Their faces close, and their breath on each other’s necks. Neither wants to let go. Both know that once this bond is broken, they’ll go back to the anger and resentment that drove them apart in the first place. 

They stay like that until they start to hear the rattle of the door. They reluctantly pull apart. They look at each other as the door opens, both knowing so much more needs to be said —both knowing there just is never enough time.


End file.
